December 2009
32 posts
You know, if there really is a heaven, and it’s really supposed to be paradise, well then I wonder if people who lived in Hawai’i would be disappointed.
Go into a bar with just a guy or two, and you’re drinking your problems away.
Go into a bar with guys and chicks in a party with more than three people, and you’re out for a night of fun.
Go into a bar alone…and you wonder why you don’t have either of these.
- Gobbledigook - Sigur Ros
I can’t help...
“The sad truth is that no matter how much you love someone, how much you trust...”
– Faye, Questionable Content
As much as I don’t want to believe that statement, I can’t help but accept the truth in it.
Hooooooooooo boy. This ought to be good.
What the helllllllllllllll happened last night………
Mediocrity.
I’ve been having a lot of very lucid dreams lately, basically ever since my semester ended and I suddenly became even busier. Dreams that I have woken up from, shaking, shivering, and unable to let go. I just woke up from another one of these dreams and as usual, I cannot sleep again until I can no longer physically stay up.
All of these dreams share a common theme: They all challenge...
My eyes are baggy, my body is shaking, my stomach is roaring, and I’m constantly moving.
Yesssssssss vacation :)
A single sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in... →
Just another regular Reddit forum thread.
Fuck finals.
Anon: I don't give a flying fuck about how much you feel for them. You make no move, you wait and wait, and you call yourself blunt? You call yourself honest? You're lying to everyone, you sick fuck. When the hell are you ever going to come out and tell all of these people WHY you do things? You think they're happy knowing that you only say what you have to say? You think its easier when you don't completely say what's on your mind? It's not. People are trying to understand you. They're trying to believe in you, they're trying to WANT you for God's sake and you're not letting them. They're trying to know as much as I do about you and still love you. Don't ask me why any idiot would want to be around you...People sure have weird taste. But it's there and you fucking know it.
Me: I don't have a defense against that. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore. And call it crazy, but the closer people get to me, the more hurt they are. Look at everyone I told you about...the closest people to me are the ones that have the hardest time actually staying with me. I don't want that, not because of me, but because somehow, they're getting hurt, and I'm so tired of causing pain.
Anon: What a selfish prick. You're going to hurt people your entire life, and most of the time, they'll need it. People need reminders to tell them that shit doesn't go down as easy as it should. You're constantly going to hurt em, but they'll love you still if you're their friend. What happened to your fearlessness? You used to barrel over people, crush them, beat them down, find out exactly what their weak points were and you used to exploit it, reducing them, forcing them to struggle to just survive....and every single one of them did, and blossomed, and grew brilliantly. You broke them down and made them better, every single one. What happened to that ability?
Me: It's still there, but I no longer have the will to use it. I'm tired of these damn games. I'm tired of being the force that changes people. I'm tired of people telling me that I'm one of a kind, unlike anyone they've ever met or will meet...I'm so tired of being idolized, exploited, and thought of as a teacher, commander, superior, whatevers. It's isolating and painful. And that's why I'm quiet now.
Anon: Then you've truly lost yourself. You gave up the best parts of yourself in self pity. I guess the rest of our brothers were wrong about you. If they were here, they'd beat some sense into you...you pathetic weakling.
Me: If that's so, then I don't want to be strong. Maybe one day it'll return, but I'm whoring myself out to enough people as it is.
Get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get on the plane, get...
And now it comes to this. →
This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. Is it too hard to ask for people to actually give a shit?
Roots
Anon: You're full of crap.
Me: I don't get you man. Here I am day after day trying my hardest to take care of you. I'm sitting here talking to you about the stuff going on in my life, stuff you "don't even care about" because damn it, its helping you, its keeping you alive, its giving you something to do, and you DO fucking care. I don't like spilling out everything that's going on with me, you KNOW that...and yet I'm doing it because it's helping you. How is any of that full of crap?
Anon: That's exactly my point. You're bending over backwards for me. You're bending over backwards for all of these people. What the hell happened to you?
Me: What do you mean?
Anon: When we were kids, you and I were the only ones that our little group had any hope for. We were supposed to be the ones that actually got somewhere in life. We were the ones with a future, with a life ahead of us. And then all that shit between all of us went down, and in the end, you were the only one left. All three of us put our hopes on you. I was, and am down for the count. I won't make anything of myself anymore...it just won't happen. But you, we all still had faith in you, we believed in you, we protected you, even with all of our friendships imploding, even with hell firing back and forth between us, we all still looked out for you and protected you. And now look what you've become.
Me: You think I didn't know that? I knew that you and I were the only ones supposed to go far. When everything started to fall apart, you disappeared from my side, and I basically looked back and saw you with the others, still pushing me along. Back then, I didn't understand why you weren't with me leading the pack, but it hit me later that you were hurt far worse than you could take. I'll freely admit, I don't know your pain. I experience it to some degree, but I cannot and never wish to feel like how you did then. And you guys still acted as a shield for me, you willingly let yourself go to cover me. I've never forgotten that and I'm constantly reminded of it every single day. So what the hell do you mean, look what I've become? I've carried all of our hopes on my shoulders since those days and I'm still carrying it. You're not getting away with this baseless accusation dude. I've dealt with too many people falsely accusing me lately.
Anon: You want me to explain? Fine. Do you know why everyone believed in you the most?
Me: Why?
Anon: Because you never let ANYTHING stop you from reaching your goals. There wasn't a damn thing that could stand in your way. The rest of us had been too badly beaten down, and in my case, I've never had your resolve. You know that I don't have your kind of fortitude. After a while, it became clear that I was just going to be a supporting player and anything that happened with us would be decided by you and that shit faced bastard.
Me: So how does that make me crap now?
Anon: Because you've fallen. You take the hell that other people give you, you whore yourself out to tons of people , constantly giving in to their wills, letting them live their lives as they wish, enabling them, while you suffer for them. What was it that your friend told you recently? Something about how it seems like you like to suffer! And let me tell you, it damn well seems like that. The guy I know would never put up with shit like this. What happened to that guy?
Me: That part of me died years ago. You know damn well I don't like suffering just as much as the next person, which is exactly why I go so far for those people. And they're not just people. Every single one is someone I deeply care about, including you. I'm willing to put up with the shit because I fucking care. How is any of that full of crap?
Anon: Because you're not caring about yourself. You were ruthless, efficient, and bang on target years ago. It was that insane spirit of yours that we all trusted. That's what we expected would go places, thats what we expected would shine. Where is your spirit now? You spend your days living vicariously through others, indulging in their fantasies and lives while ignoring your own. You pay just enough attention to yourself to keep yourself functioning for the next asshole who wants you to bend over. You're a slave by choice, a slut by trade, constantly giving yourself out, but for what? How the hell did you fall so far?
Me: I don't bend over for anyone. I go by my own code, follow my own laws. What you're describing is how I've come to become a much more accepting person. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. As for living vicariously through others, seriously? We've both done far more shit than most people will do in their entire lives. I continue to do stuff that most people wouldn't dare do. How could I possibly be living through others when I am living a life that's carries a far greater story than theirs? Not to knock the other people I know, but my story would probably be a more interesting read than most of them.
Anon: Do you hear your own pathetic blabbering? Accepting, you call it? Unbelievable. You're doing nothing but implanting yourself in other people, using them as your own eyes and ears cause for some damn reason, you're not putting any effort into yourself!
Me: Did it ever occur to you that I'm balancing my energy between the two things?
Anon: That's what scares me most. Why the hell would you dedicate yourself so thoroughly to others when you know that if you focused on yourself, you'd be so much more well off? What in God's name brought you to feel more alive when discussing these jackasses than feeling anything on your own?
Me: Well that should be pretty obvious. I no longer have you guys covering for me. You guys took all of the hits so I could focus on just excelling at whatever I set mind to. Now, the other guys are gone, and more often than not, you want to leave too. I'm taking care of you instead of the other way around. And all of these other people, I need them just as much as they need me. I can be ruthless all I want, but that adds no color to my life. If you really truly want me to excel, you have got to see that I need to see in color.
Anon: And so you whore yourself off. There is no logic in that. A couple people, sure, it makes sense, we needed each other like that. But you're constantly adding people to this list of people you constantly keep track of and no one is leaving your list. You carry so many people on you that you don't even know what you want anymore.
Me: Call that growing up. So long as I can still push forward, I'm not leaving this lifestyle. I'm not reverting to the way I used to be because it's not worth it anymore. There is too much for me to love, and I can't just let it go. Including you. Despite all the hellish things you've put me through over the past month, I'm not letting you go. If you seriously plan on taking yourself off, you're going to have to live with the fact that I never once stopped caring. Same with the rest of the friends.
Anon: And this is exactly where you're full of crap. There's no need to care for any of those assholes. Most of them, me included, don't have anything for a future. You won't even remember them later. The way you're going now, you're going to collapse under the burden of so many people, with almost none of them ever amounting to anything more than Snoopy backpacks. Your purposefulness is gone and it's been replaced with this wishy washy lack of a backbone of a person.
Me: Fine, if thats how you think of it. But this is who I am now. I will always be following my own goals, but I will bring anyone who wants to come with me. I've done it before, I can do it again.
Anon: And what, you're just going to magically fix everything and everyone?
Me: No, stupid. I'm just here in case anyone needs me. And the only reason I'm in that spot is because it serves my own purposes. If that purpose leaves, I leave. I'm as ruthless as ever, only concealed behind the shadows of insurmountably large chimps. But I'm not afraid to bare my teeth should the time come.
Anon: Unbelievable. You were once an untamable wild animal. Now you've become domesticated.
Me: Yea, well, domestication is part of the plan to the next step. I can only go so far as a wild animal. You know damn well that I specialize in information gathering. In order to do that, I need to see things from the inside, hence, being "domesticated" as you call it. Everything you guys saw in me is still there, hidden under the burdens of many.
Anon: And it's slowing you down, crushing your spirit, crushing the very essence of what kept you going for so long.
Me: It can try to do that, but my spirit will never be crushed. It's just hiding under the storm of people who want a hand from me.
Anon: On the bright side, if you hadn't been the way you are now, I wouldn't be here right now. Before, you'd see me shooting, pulling the trigger, and you'd just walk right on by without a care.
Me: See, this works. It's a horrible burden to carry, but it also contains the hopes and dreams from the people I love. And I won't let them go, no matter what you say.
Anon: Weak. Live for yourself and worry about the happiness of the others after you're done taking care of yourself. Stop living through others. Stop taking care of me. We're done. I promise I won't off myself. You needn't worry, though I know you still will. But you need to learn your own life again. You need to be someone we were all proud of again. You've lost your spirit, or kept it hidden, or whatever you called it, but that's not good enough. You need to wake the fuck up and move.
Me: I'll consider it. Till then I'll follow my own path. And if you say we're done, then we're done. I'm exhausted, weary, and I feel like nothing good was accomplished. But you're alive, and I succeeded in keeping you that way. That's a victory, and that'll add to my spiritual fire. You'll see. I'll carry me and everyone else who wants to come along straight up. Don't forget I carry our hopes from the good old days on me too. And I'll be damned if I won't come through. You want my ruthlessness? Fine. I'll step into the light again. I'll add some more on and get past it all, because you need to learn that those people that I care about ARE my fuel. That's exactly what keeps my spirit moving. Learn that, and you'll finally be able to live freely.
Correction: My left eye is now swollen shut.
My left eye is swelling shut.
Twilight: LOLcats →
Brilliant!
Laters.
In words which can still bring tears to the eyes, St. Augustine describes the desolation into which the death of his friend Nebridius plunged him (Confessions IV, 10). Then he draws a moral. This is what comes, he says, of giving one’s heart to anything but God. All human beings pass away. Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose. If love is to be a blessing, not a...
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man...”
– Theodore Roosevelt
I’m a bit confounded/frazzled/clueless/wtf-ed out right now. I don’t get how or why people have become so irritable out of the blue. And it has nothing to do with school stuffs, I know that, because they are not irritated around others, seemingly. Just me…and I haven’t even spoken much to anyone lately. These people…wtf?
“There must be something In the way I feel...
@Surgin: I took one for the team. Also, the guys all went to see it, same day, so we’d have something to do Monday. Was well worth the onslaught of a terrible, terrible movie.
“Animals are most dangerous when cornered.”
– I had no idea I’d be seeing this actually happen and then telling myself this repeatedly hours after I quoted it.
“In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them -”
“You beat them.”
“No, you don’t understand. I destroy them. I...
Anon: Well you've gone and done it again. So they're all under your umbrella?
Me: I guess. You could say that they're technically under yours too, since lately you've kind of been a shrink for me.
Anon: Well I'm not feeling the crazy today, so I can actually think without wanting to find a sawed off shotgun somewhere. So if me shrinking you is a byproduct, even better. Though its just you, cause I couldn't care less about all the assholes that you know.
Me: I'm glad you're actually not crazy at least. Maybe telling you random mundane shit actually helps you out somehow.
Anon: It gives me a reason to do something else. Anything else. You know I'm only sane when I'm like that.
Me: I guess this is your redemption then.